Into the Heart

Dear Diary,

I'm skating on thin ice here. 

You see, for a while now, my heart had been bottled up in a sense. I've met some amazing people in the last year. Friends, romantic interests, a new single me. There have been a lot of firsts. As far as the men are concerned, I tried not getting my heart too attached. Some of these men, I really would have considered seriously dating or maybe making something with. But, the tricky thing about getting your heart involved is that usually you end up getting hurt. I secretly wanted to feel that excitement, but didn't want to get burned.

I've done of lot of thinking about this and I have concluded that maybe I’m a bit like Ted in the sitcom, How I Met Your Mother. I know there's a stash of Lily in there too. You know, a bit quirky, sappy, and dramatic. Yea, that's me. But unfortunately, as far as dating and love is concerned, I'm a bit like Ted. He’s the hopeless romantic, who can never seem to find the right one. See, the problem with Ted is he sees the world with rose-colored glasses. His heart is open to love but he gives it away to the wrong girls, hoping for the best. And, he has many connections that simply don't work out because of timing. I call these "misconnects", where things don't work out because one of you is moving, or just got out of a relationship, etc. I can relate to him because sometimes I think this is my lot in life. The world is just too big.

I'm at a point now where I could jump. But, do I dare? What about the past? What about my mistakes? They still linger. I have had far too much time to dwell on my faults and imperfections. How can one start over when you are not yet perfected? Is that a sign, this lack of perfection?  Does that mean you can’t begin again? My fear is that I never will.   I want to feel happiness in companionship again and I want to open my heart.  Everything I've held onto has vanished and I want to be free. Why in the world am I still dwelling on my regrets? Maybe life has tarnished me? Or, so it seems. 

You can't cling to the past because no matter how tightly you hold on, it's already gone. 

 

But you see, wanting to be free isn't enough. Of this, I am sure. My heart wants to be free, but where it should rest is a matter of questioning. If I dare let my heart open again, it could be madness. Risking this madness with another person, can be even scarier. I'm in a situation where one of my "misconnects" is back in my life. I need your help diary!

Should I settle on a life of good-decisions, safe decisions? I know I can simply allow this to be a misconnect x2.  Or, I can do something about this. I can jump. After all, one can only live in the gray shadows for so long.

Signed,
ME

 

Story of My Life-One Direction